Now I would be lying if I said I was ok at the minute, as I definitely am struggling and my engineering brain is not just on over drive, its gone fucking full tilt root cause analysis when there is no where near enough data to analyse!
My Claude relationship management agent (that I built to manage relationships and people - and my ex...) is doing its best to ground me and stop my brain from overthinking.
Alex - a kinky friend of mine, who I really cared for (separate private blog entry on this) and tried to put my arms round and help, unfortunately passed away. Now he passed away early July, on a Thursday, and the weird thing is I saw a post on GBUK about a member passing away in a motorbike accident and didn't recognise the username so dismissed it.
Then on Thursday 13th August my friend in Germany messaged me and asked me "what happened to the guy Alex, I heard he died?" which immediately prompted panic from me as I had not spoke to him in over a month as I had been pre=occupied with lots of stuff going on. I went back to Jan and said I hoped not... and then messaged Chris - as I have a weird relationship with Jay (mainly because of the Alex thing!). Chris said that Jay was going to drop me a message... which immediately in my head solidified the news.
Jay's messages were a bit slow and not laboured but I think he didn't know what to say... he message started with "ummm... you might not have heard from Alex for a while", then went on to say "Alex is no longer with us...." I cant remember the rest, I think my brain went into shock...
In the proceeding messages it appeared that Alex had a solo play session, doing breath control and did not make it. It appears Alex had bought a few new toys including a despair air control unit, and a AirMaster software controlled breath control machine.
He died on the Thursday while doing his solo play session, and the police forced entry on the Tuesday after no one had heard from him for a few days. His family did not know about his kink obsession and were not that supportive of his sexuality.
They had a cremation on the 11th August in a private ceremony where none of his friends were invited.

Firstly I am angry at my friends (especially, Tom, Chris, Jay) for not telling me, especially given they had a small get together on the Sunday before.

I am angry at Jay as if he did not string Alex along, causing the depression, bringing about the issues he had with his ex... then Alex might not have been alone.

I am angry at me, for not reaching out more. The sole string of light I have is that my last message to him was that he was loved... and to not be down about shit...

So here I am, sitting in IoM airport, going to Liverpool to pick up a hire car... with no real plan other than dont sit at home and be upset with myself - even though I am.

Alex was such a lovely guy, I had known him for many many years but didn't really get to know him properly till a year ago, when I spent the night cuddling a sobbing boy who thought his life was a mess... that night I held him tight all night and told him things would get better and I put him in touch with Nick to help him, and then went and spoke with Chris and Jay to tell them I was not happy about Jay continuing to meet with him as it was not helping his mental health.

He was complex and guarded. I tried to get him to come on holiday with me, and tried to get him to come to the IoM but he kept me at arms length, probably because I got angry with Jay over what was going on.

I hope he has found peace - he has left behind lots of people that loved and cared for him and I can absolutely say he will be missed xxx